


I Want To Know What Love Is

by orphan_account, Padasexi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1980s, 1984, 80s, Alternate Universe - High School, Angel Castiel, Angst, Antichrist, High School, Homophobia, M/M, Music, Religion, Senior year, U2 - Freeform, religous
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 17:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2437166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Padasexi/pseuds/Padasexi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's late autumn of 1984.<br/>Castiel, a senior, is changing schools once again.<br/>And social anxiety isn't helping. At all.<br/>But when he meets Dean, his religious views are turned and he begins questioning his feelings. Dean is popular, a bad boy even, with a dark past. The complete opposite of Cas. Dean denies his feelings for the strange boy with an even stranger itch on his back that refuses to go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want To Know What Love Is

"Because I can't, okay! I just-" Cas took a deep, shuddering breath. "I just can't."  
"Can't, or won't, Castiel?" His father stared at him coldly, the never-ending sea of wrinkles upon his forehead creased into one gigantic lump of crank and disappointment.  
"School isn't my thing. It never has been. Just- homeschool me or..."  
"Castiel!"  
"Don't-.... Don't call me that." Cas looked to the floor, soft brown lashes flickering behind his thick lenses.  
His father took a deep breath and walked out of the small kitchen, the lingering feeling of a battle lost weighing heavily upon Cas' spirit.  
Cas exhaled calming himself and softly padded up to his room, avoiding attention from the rest of his family. Once in, he shut the door and sagged against it. He looked around the large room, one side of it was slanted, with a window peeking out into the now stormy sky. The blue walls were bare apart from a cork board above the desk. It was neat, simple. He collapsed onto the bed, his glasses askew.  
Why can't he just stay here forever. Amongst his books, never needing to talk to anyone, as that was too complicated.  
He scratched at his back and thought that he ought to get that checked out.  
Shifting uncomfortably against the bed, he frowned, giving in to the urge and sat up. He wriggled out of his blue sweater, unbuttoned his white shirt and walked over to his cupboard. Inside lay a large, full length mirror that Cas rarely paid visits to. It wasn't that he hated his face... It was just that it was lost to him. He didn't recognize it and that often scared him. He often felt like he didn't know himself.  
Turning, he observed his bare back in the polished glass, prodding at his itching shoulder blades. "..." A rash maybe? He had had irritable shoulders since he was quite young. But ever since he hit puberty they had inflamed and often caused him great discomfort.  
There was a knock at the door and Michael walked in, fave greasy from a day at the garage. "Hey bro."  
Cas quickly pulled on a tight white shirt and shut close the cupboard, blushing. God knows what his brother thought he was just doing.  
"Hey."  
"Heard you and dad were arguing before?" Michael asked, gently sitting down on Cas' bed.  
"Mhm." Cas mumbled.  
"And... You're going to tell me what about?"  
"School."  
"Oh Cas, you know you have to go to school. Make some friends."  
Cas rolled his eyes.  
"But I can't."  
"Yes you can." Michael said encouragingly.  
"You just had to try harder."  
Try harder. That's what they all said.  
"I'm already trying my hardest."  
"I know you are." Michael rushed to correct himself. He was Cas' closest sibling. He had light blonde hair and Cas' blue eyes. He worked at a mechanic place a few blocks down. He was 5 years older than Cas and seemed to understand him better.  
"Just..." Michael to no avail grasped for words.  
"I know." Cas sighed.  
"Well little brother." Cas felt Michael's hand clasp down on his shoulder "I better have a shower. A long, hot day at the shop and I smell like an exhaust pipe." He said closing the door behind him.  
Cas smirked for a second. His brother always made him feel... Normal. Well, more than usual. But that smirk soon faded as he sat back on the bed, eyes drifting to the school uniform slung over his desk chair. The White dress shirt, pressed pants, cream blazer and a simplistic baby blue necktie to dapper it. He liked it, to be honest with himself. But the idea of people frightened him. It always did. And tomorrow, he would start all over. New school. New people. New corridors... New faces. He had been to four different high schools now, and being in the last year of it, it all seed pretty dawning.  
Cas folded away his glasses and took off his shirt and pants, wriggling under the coarse sheets.  
And the lights were off, as his family's curfew took place. But he always found he could see well. Smell better. Hear like a wolf. Especially at night. When the world was calm and minds were at rest.  
This was when Cas could really think. When he could talk to God. The only one he could talk to, the one he could feel belonging with, even if there was no reply from the mighty one up top. But Cas was a boy of religion. And he knew that it was a privilege to be.  
He stared up at his ceiling, thick drops of rain were now slamming against the rooftop. The sound was too loud for Cas' over sensitive ears and he burrowed his head under the pillow as the rain pelted down, harder and harder.  
Normal people liked it when it rained at night. He, on the other hand, despised it. His ears rang with the sound, a migraine blossoming in his head.  
Dammit.  
He reached over and pulled a vinyl out of the drawer in his bedside table. He checked the name, "War" by U2. He smiled to himself and hopped up to place the vinyl on teh turntable. He listened to the gently scratch before the song started playing. "40". His favourite. He sat back onto the bed and listened to the quiet hum, as to not wake his family. He closed his blue eyes and focused on the ebbing beat of the song.  
"I waited patiently for the lord... He inclined and heard my cry..."  
The song meant so much to him. It meant recognition, acceptance and sanctuary. He could lose himself in the chiming of the guitar, the steady beat of the drums and the silent pleas of the voice.  
Cas' body shuddered, the sudden crack of lightening sending shock through his body. It was the same as rain. The same as anything else. Amplified by a million and shoved into his head. Turning over uncomfortably, Cas tried to focus on the music. But it was no use. The rain was relentless and the thunder rolling in. He rolled over again, stomach pressed agains the mattress and itched at his shoulders. Nights like these... He'd never sleep. His body always throbbed with energy. Sometimes, he even thought it was the Lightning that powered him. The strong hands of God empowering his soul.

But tonight it was just fucking noise and wet humidity.  
He wiped at his clammy forehead. Was he ever going to get any sleep?  
He got up and padded over to the bathroom. He splashed water over his face, the music flooding his ears the soundtrack. He could still hear the rain, but it was distant. He reached over to grab his towel and dabbed at his face.  
He has to get some sleep, it's his first day at this school tomorrow and he just CAN'T fuck it up. He filled a glass with cool water and made his way back to his room. He felt tempted to open the skylight and let the icy droplets of rain cool his face, but he didn't. It would ruin the soft creamy carpet and his mother would get mad.  
He slid under the sheets and closed his eyes, letting the music take over.  
Surprisingly, he was asleep within a matter of minutes.

"Castiel! Get your ass out of bed!" Gabriel's loud voice cracked through the air and Cas jumped at the sound.  
"CASTI-"  
"YEAH I'M AWAKE!" Cas shouted banging his head on the pillow.  
The rain had dulled by now, and the sky was a soft grey. Cas lazily climbed out of bed and grabbed at the uniform he had prepared the day before.  
He stumbled across the hallway and into the bathroom, dumping his clothes onto the bench near the sink.  
He turned on the shower and slipped out of his sweaty pajamas throwing them into the laundry basket.  
Cas squirted the shampoo into his hand and slid his fingers through his wetting hair. He had to look presentable. It was required of him, right? It being a private school and all.  
He spent a good few minutes under the steady stream, gazing at his reflection in the shower glass. Only two more hours. And people. And work. And walking.  
His hand nonchalantly slid down to his crotch, his gaze still locked upon the glass. When he came to his senses, he frowned, withdrawing his hand and hesitantly turning off the tap. Where the hell did that gesture come from?  
Castiel brushed it off and stepped out onto the bath mat, drying off, scratching his shoulder before dressing himself.  
Silently chuckling to himself he observed the new look in the mirror. He looked like a goddamn businessman. Very Christian too... A holy tax accountant.  
He smirked at his own humour and combed his hair back. But it didn't stay that way for long.  
He sat down on the bus next to the eldest sibling, Gabriel. There were kids on the bus too. Some he recognized from the uniform, but the rest really blurred together. His stomach felt empty, although he had quite a filling breakfast. His mind wandered and his hands sweated. Yet Gabriel always managed to keep his cool.  
Cas rested his head on the window and watched the murky water splash away on the road below. He tugged the sleeves of the blazer over his hands, somehow, it made him feel more secure. He tucked his hands in under his armpits and waited.  
"Okay lil' bro," Gabriel said "I'm off."  
Gabe walked away shoving his hands in his pockets and bowing his head against the rain.  
Cas, not wanting to be soaked, jogged to get under the cover of the school halls. He pushed the doors open and shuddered as the warmth of the inside air hit him.  
He walked down the corridor towards the office, where he was meant to pick up all the information he needed for today. He tightened his hold on the bag straps over his shoulders and stepped in.  
The floor was carpeted with a dark green, rough material, and dark red plush chairs were placed along the wall to the left of the door Cas had just come in through. There was a painting above the large oak desk, where a lady with a tight bun and grey suit sat. It portrayed a forest, with the stars gleaming above it.  
"Do you need anything?" The lady asked.  
Cas snapped his eyes downward to look at her properly. He smiled shyly, that is what a normal person would do after all.  
"Yes. I need the um..." Cas was lost for words, what was he supposed to ask for?  
"He's new." A boy said behind him.  
Cas turned to face the bearer of the voice.  
He had dark, sandy blonde hair and piercing emerald green eyes. Freckles were splattered across his face and his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled.  
"Dean." The boy said and outstretched his hand to greet Cas.  
"Castiel." He mumbled and shook the boys hand.  
"That's an interesting name."  
"Y- yeah it's uh... I prefer Cas." He awkwardly retracted his hand, uncomfortable with that unfamiliar sweaty sensation of skin against skin. But even as he shook it, his fingertips felt a spark. As if it were kinetic. Maybe it was just because of the way Cas' hesitating hands had been rubbing against the inside of his blazer.  
"Dean..." Naomi said, voice sharp and eyes sharper. "Why don't you take Castiel here for a tour?"  
Dean nodded softly, glancing down to scuff a speck of mud off his shoes. With the eye contact broken, Cas got a good look at him. His uniform was shabby and unkempt, leather shoes scuffed, and Cas noted that his tie had been made from a completely different material. An odd one. Great.  
"Alrighty." Dean looked up, those green eyes sparkling with something Cas interpreted as mischief. "This way... Your majesty." Dean observed Cas now, noting the way he was so neatly presented. Was this not a normal thing?? Cas swallowed. Had he outdone himself? Cas flattened down his hair, only to notice that the gel had come to no effect and strands were sticking out from all directions. For a second, he was temped to blame the electrical storm.  
But his hair was always shit.  
Cas followed Dean out the door, closely watching him. He had beautiful legs. And he walked with so much confidence he almost radiated it. His hair curled slightly at the nape of his neck and Cas caught the urge to brush it softly.  
"So," Dean's voice broke him out of his reverie "what school you come from?"  
"Um...." Cas mumbled, a blush creeping up his neck. Was he really fantasizing about this boy?  
"The um... Saint Andrew's. It's a few towns over."  
"Oh cool. What year?"  
"Senior." Cas mumbled.  
"Hey! Me too!" Dean exclaimed.  
After the tour of the school, Dean took Cas to his classroom. Math.  
It's not like Cas was bad at it, on the contrary, he was quite good at it. But it was just boring and repetitive.  
Dean was in the same class as him, so obviously he's not stupid. Cas was placed in the highest level at the school afterall.  
Cas was sitting at the back of the classroom while Dean sat two rows ahead.  
It was quite perfect really.  
Cas could look at Dean however much he wanted to whilst Dean had no idea of what he was doing.  
Cas wasn't sure of what he was feeling. He felt an attraction to this boy, but when he had touched him, that spark almost certainly sent the sense of danger to his mind. Cas looked away, blushing deeply as Dean leant back in his chair to talk to him. "Yo, enjoying maths?"  
Cas shrugged and itched his shoulder. Dean frowned and squirmed In his seat. "You don't talk much, do you?"  
Cas shrugged again.  
Raising a brow, Dean leant back to his desk and Cas felt shame. He should have just spoken to him. Opportunity to make new friends here was running out. People were giving him strange looks, laughing, pointing. He didn't really expect things to be peaceful for his first few days. But when the bell rang for recess, Cas just tailed behind Dean, unaware of where to go.  
"I'm guessing you don't make friends easily, do you?" Dean asked, making Cas snap back to attention.  
"No." He mumbled.  
"Well," Dean said "I do. So um... Go make some friends, okay?" And walked away, leaving Cas speechless in the middle of the corridor.  
Cas watched him walk up to his group and clasp hands with some guys that looked like they were on the football team. Judging by the girls by their sides and muscles.  
So he's popular.  
Oh well.  
Cas looked out the window, it was still raining. He made his way over to a little space in between two lockers and sat down, pulling his sandwich out of his backpack.  
He nibbled at it while observing Dean.  
He seemed distracted, and kept glancing at Cas out of the center of his eye. Each time he did, Cas made an effort to look down at the open book in his lap.  
After a few minutes of this, he saw Dean walking towards him.  
Oh crap.  
"Hey,"  
"Hello, Dean." Cas mumbled looking up at him sheepishly.  
"What you doing?" Dean said crouching in front of Cas.  
"Just reading." Dean lifted his eyebrows and picked up the book Cas had turning it so he can see the title.  
"The bible?" Dean asked suspiciously handing the book back to Cas.  
"Yes."  
"Interesting."  
Cas looked up, but only for a fleeting moment, not wanting to get caught in the other boy's emerald gaze. He didn't know what he was feeling when Dean sat beside him. He didn't know what he felt when his leg brushed against him. But something tingled between his legs. And that most certainly didn't feel right.  
Cas uncomfortably shifted a little, attempting to keep his distance. But Dean just leant over his shoulder and chuckled softly.  
/oh god./  
Dean took a look at Cas' pale, nervous face and took notice of the thumping behind his shirt. And he backed away. A little embarrassed, he coughed and pulled out his phone.  
"You religious, then..?" Dean coughed again, hoping to break the ice.  
Cas nodded. "You?" It was feeling a little less awkward now.  
Dean nodded and scratched the back of his head. "Yeah... Hence the school."  
Cas looked up at the wall and saw a small crucifix. Jesus was suspended upon the cross, hands and feet nailed to the wood. An expression of peace and forgiveness. But hopelessly pinned there. For all to see. Cas swallowed and looked down at his bible. To be honest, he felt much like the great man. Held still and helpless by this boy's green stare. After a few silent seconds of looking at his lap, Cas stole a glance at Dean, who was scratching his cheek. Cas could see the blush that was colouring his face through the boy's fingers. He looked away before Dean could catch him.  
Cas opened his mouth meaning to say something, but opted out and closed it once again.  
"So what, you've got like, social anxiety or something?" Dean chuckled. Cas looked at him seriously and the smile disappeared off his face. "Oh. Awkward." He exclaimed and looked away.  
"I need to um... Use the restroom." Cas mumbled fumbling for his bag strap.  
"I'll walk you." Dean said standing. Wow, he really doesn't get it.  
"Nah, it's fine."  
"Do you even remember where it is?" Dean asked, eyebrows raised. Cas didn't reply and shuffled his feet shyly on the ground. A wide smirk broke out on Dean's face.  
"I thought so." Dean spun on his heel and headed down the corridor. Cas sighed and followed him.  
"There." He said turning to face him "I'll wait."  
Cas walked into the bathroom and locked himself in a stall.  
Why did this boy even talk to him? He seemed popular, so why Cas? The socially awkward nerd who read the bible and wore too big sweaters and thick trimmed black glasses. After a few minutes of just sitting on the toilet, Cas finally got the courage to open the door and face Dean's freckle specked face and apple green eyes.  
Cas frowned. "Were you standing there the whole time?"  
Dean shrugged. "I was concerned that the newbie would drown."  
"In the toilet?" Cas' frown deepened.  
Dean shrugged again. "These things can happen." His arm sling around Cas' shoulder and the younger one almost jumped with the contact. Dean's hand felt hot, searing hot against his skin even through the thick sweater. Noting Cas' discomfort, Dean hesitantly retracted his hand and coughed.  
"Is there-" Cas stepped cautiously away from him. "Is there a library here?"  
"Yeah." Dean replied after a few seconds of consideration.  
"It's-" he suddenly got caught in Cas' blue gaze and he inhaled slightly.  
"It's over that way." He said pointing down the corridor and scurrying off, head bowed as he broke eye contact.  
Cas stood planted in his spot, dumbfounded, for a while before slowly shuffling down the corridor in the direction Dean pointed him in.  
He stopped after traveling a few meters and looked behind him, back in toward where Dean had left him. And he saw the boy, tugging at his hair as he slid down to the ground, back pressed up against the wall. Cas felt his heart squeeze slightly at the sight. He wanted to walk over, talk to him. But he barely knew Dean, how could he possibly begin to try to comfort him. Cas sighed and left to go to the library, gently scratching at his shoulder blades.  



End file.
